August 19, 2009

Bwahahahaha Freaking hilarious!

The lovely K. Law! posted these this morning. She got them from a friend of a friend and they are just too funny to not re-post! hahahaha hope you have a fantastic Wednesday!

*Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles.

*I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

*More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

*Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

*Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

*The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

*A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, only if you suck at it.

*Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

*I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

*Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

*MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

*Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

*Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty and you can wear them forever.

*I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

*Bad decisions make good stories.

*Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

*Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

*If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem...

*You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

*There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far."

*I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

*I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

*I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

*Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

*It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

*I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

*I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

*Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

*I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

*The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.